Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
