He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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