I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
