Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
