I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
