I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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