I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
