Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
