how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
