We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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