The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
