I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
