How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
