Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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