You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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