Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
