just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
