I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.