So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
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Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.