I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
