I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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