yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
