We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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