peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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