It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
