I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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