Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
