Moan for me like Helen Keller
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My bed smells like the plague
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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