Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
