he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
