I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
