Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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