he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
