i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
