You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
