This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
