Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
