Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
