Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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