He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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