So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
