he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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