pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
