Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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