I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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