You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
