My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
