btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
