If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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