I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
