Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
