Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I love black thongs
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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