I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
