if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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