My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
