Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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