i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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