his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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