Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
