Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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