Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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