I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
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My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
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I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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