also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
