I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
